What No one told me about adoption

This weekend is a blogging carnival (click this link to read more) and I think any adoptive parent might have a lot to say about this topic.

We started this process almost 17 years ago.
And back then we weren't told much. To be honest the SWer's may have told us really important stuff but the reality is we weren't ready to listen!
I remember talking with couples when I was involved in the adoption education talking about the grief of infertility. No one told me that 3 children on that every period is still a reminder that as a woman I failed.
People told me once you adopt the infertility issues disappear. I remember telling people that never goes away and it hasn't! The grief isn't as deep or as hard as it was prior to children coming to me. It is still there each and everyday!

I remember that no one told me being a parent would at times make me so angry! It would at times require all my strength to walk away form the child before I would want to hurt them.

No one told me this stuff and maybe I wouldn't be ready to hear it!
The difference now 3 adopted children on, I do tell parents waiting or PAP that parenting when you have made a choice to adopt, is one of the hardest decisions we ever made. There are times when you may look at your child and say why did we do this!

I don't like your behaviour but I will fake it until I make it!

Trying to decide what is normal behaviour and what is due to the disruption that have experienced is a fine line to walk.

No one told me the difference between open adoption and International adoption would bring amazing questions and the assumption that we decided to rescue our daughters that breaks my heart on a daily basis.

We made our decision to adopt from Overseas because we couldn't complete our family with in New Zealand.
This has bought its own set of challenges however we know both types of adoptions have caused family and friends to question our intentions.
We also know that the sleep deprivation and post adoption depression is hard on any relationship and between siblings and partners it can cause such stress.

What no one told me and the biggest surprise was, how fiercely I would defend each and every child that became my child.
Or how much we would love them and be surprised by others comments!
I just everyday count our blessings and know that children were meant to come to me and not from me and they are here for a limited time.
I can sit back and be so proud of their achievements as they are not linked into my genetics and we have supported them to achieve what they are capable of.
I will leave you with a poem written by a 14 year old before our children were placed in our arms and still brings a tear to my eyes!

To Ruth and Keith –Who I wrote this Poem for
My Child

I look at you
My child
And my wonder does not cease
You are mine My Child
I look at you
And I think of all the pain we went through for You
All Those years of Emptiness, Loneliness, Heartache, Despair.
The rare highs, the frequent lows
The times we thought we had succeeded
Only to be let down – Again
We learnt not to say anything until we were sure
We didn’t say much after that.
Until we finally realised
You weren’t meant to come through us but to us
I look at you My Child
And though we do not look alike
There is no mistaking
You are Ours
You were born not of our
Bodies
But of our
Hearts
You did not develop inside my Womb
But you will grow inside our Love
You will become your own Person
But we will always be your Parents
You are our Child
You were Meant to Be
I look at you My Child
And my Wonder does not Cease

Arohanui Laura

Just know that no matter what my children grew in my heart and now they grow in each others too. We have an amazing family and Keith and I are truly thankful each and everyday!
Hugs Ruth